Things I Love to Hate (Again)

Image by Ed Yourdon via Flickr

1. Children who are obviously too big to be in a stroller.  I've noticed parents committing insane crimes against humanity when I see them pushing children who look like they've just graduated high school in a stroller.  Seriously.  One time I was walking down the street and I saw the kid ask his mom for a beer while she was pushing him along Brooklyn's Flatbush Avenue.  Really?  SERIOUSLY?  Parents, if your child looks like he could deposit his first check at HSBC, or even drive a car, it's quite possible that he should start walking everywhere (same goes for breast feeding).

2.  My Doctor.  I love my doctor, I really do, but I draw the line at the marriage questions.  I have no known desire to get married, but when I do?  I'll have an hour-long special on ESPN, CNN, ABC, NBC, CBS, and every other network in between to announce my pending nuptials.  Until then?
I'm still waiting for a man whose face could sail 1,001 ships and could make all members of a Nativity scene cry and beg for mercy - repeatedly.    

Image by Keith Allison via Flickr

3.  People who make out in public.   Words can't describe how much I hate people who make out with each other in public.  Honestly?  If I wanted to see you swap spit or grind on each other while the subway rats run across your feet on a crowded platform, I would order Skinemax or porn.  Until then?  Please keep your makeout sessions to a minimum - or at least out of my sight, because I?  Will definitely be that girl with a baton trying to separate your smushed bodies so that the sanctity of all things private can remain private.

Image by Jason DeRusha via Flickr

4.  That Cougar at my gym.  Dear Cougar:  We both share a love for fitness, but if your tiny shorts + jiggly ass decides to interrupt my time in the gym by standing in front of me and dripping sweat on me as I'm trying to lift a 2lb. weight, I will cut you.  Honestly, Honey?  Keep your stuff contained.  Guys like a little mystery.  They don't want to see everything they could possibly be getting...and I don't want to see it, either.

Image via Wikipedia

Oh yeah.  Keep your sweat off me.  I don't like bodily fluids.  Thanks!

5.  Men who scratch their junk in public.  Please don't.  It's just...I don't...it's not acceptable.  Take care of your itchy bits in private.  Maybe see a doctor if it's really bothersome.  I don't scratch myself in public, and you shouldn't either.  Same goes for adjusting.  Adjustments should be made...in private. 

Image by RightBrainPhotography via Flickr

6.  Pharmaceutical companies.   You know, I went to my pharmacy today to pick up my birth control pills and I seriously suffered from sticker shock.  I'm sorry, but paying $140.00  $110.00 for my reproductive health?  Seriously?  Honestly?  Why does it cost me so much money to prevent possibly populating the world with my deviant offspring?  You know what?  I'm going to end up having babies because of you!  I'm trying to help make the world a better place, and you're telling me to pay a whole month's worth of groceries or wine money for a tiny little pill that regulates my hormone levels?  What happened to universal healthcare coverage?  Does anyone care about reproductive health?  These products should be free nintey-nine, not $140.00 $110.00.


But when I start having babies because I can't afford my non-generic birth control pills?  I'm totes sending you, as well as the U.S. guv'ment my hospital bills...and tuition bills, because my kids?  Are going to private school.

Image via Wikipedia