I was in awe as I watched flashy images of women doing fun party-like things for approximately one minute. One woman was meeting her friends at a bar; another one was on a camping trip with her boyfriend, and another was dj-ing at a house party. The funny thing? THEY WERE ALL HAVING FUN while trying to sell me on the fact that I really don't have to have my period every single month. Oh no. Instead of being miserable for 12 months, I would only have to be miserable for 3 glorious months.
Okay, so the fact that I would go through an intense amount of pain and suffering for three months had me sold. Homegirl Number 1? Definitely ordering the most cocktails with her girls at the bar and loving the fact that her night wasn't being ruined by her period (oh no!). Guess what that means? That's right! She is gonna hook up with the first man who impresses her, because guess what? She's not going to have her period for another three months!
Homegirl Number 2 on the camping trip? She's so relaxed being out in nature with her boyfriend and their tent. Why? Because she's not going to feel cranky and bloated during her trip...and maybe there will be a strong urge to have relations while camping because she's not getting her period until next month.
Homegirl Number 3? Well she's gonna dj all night long without pesky bathroom breaks because of her period. What does that mean? More house, trance, and hip hop for the party goers, of course. More music, no period = happy partiers, more Notorious B.I.G., and more events booked for her dj skills in the future.
But with every promise of a a period-free future comes a price - the fine print, if you will. About 30 seconds into the commercial, shit got real because Homegirls 1,2,3, and some other random chicks decided to tell me about the risks - gasp! - associated with taking Seasonique. One girl - who was just chilling in her bedroom holding her pillow like she just had best sleep in her life, informed me in a rather serious tone that I could possibly have spotting between periods. Homegirl Number 1 - still at the bar, mind you - was guzzling her third cocktail when she decided to tell me about blood clots and even death (because, you know, nothing says "serious" or impresses the gravity of death more than holding your half-finished cocktail at a bar) while on the pill. Homegirl Number 3 stopped spinning just long enough to tell me that my risks of death and clotting become more severe if I'm a smoker. I couldn't take Number 3 seriously , because her leathery skin implied that she not only smokes, but that she also spends hours upon hours getting cancerous UV rays when not spinning. Number 2? Too busy resting her her head on her boyfriend's shoulder to tell me anything of importance. The girl on the bed? Totally advised me to me to speak to my doctor if I had any problems or concerns.
Then there was the flashy ending where I was told to "repunctuate" (yeah, totally not a word) my life or whatever, and the period party in a box commercial was over. Boo. There was no talk of un-fun things associated with your period like bloating; acne; mood-swings; nausea; headaches; and the inability to fit into any of your clothes because of the bloating.
Long story short? My period - monthly or every three months -will never be a party in a box. But watching all that period talk fun made me wonder about those Valtrex commercials. Those commercials - between the hiking, the sailboats and the flashy song - made having and treating herpes seem like fun. I haven't seen one of those commercials in a long time. Is herpes on the decline? Must be, because I haven't seen one of those commercials in about a year. Must contact CDC next time I can't sleep and see if herpes is on decline. Got it.
Til next time...
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