Fart Club

Goodbye, Spring Recess; hello work week.

What would a return to the classroom be without a little aromatic sensation to help get everyone in the mood to work? I often ask myself this very question every day.

My form of calming aromatherapy comes in the form of farts. Why not flatulence? Why not gas? Flatulence and gas are not the same as a fart. Farts are wet, rancid, rotten-egg smelling expulsions from the body that are accompanied by a large popping noise; whereas flatulence and gas merely create a "popping" sound that emits from the bum.

I have two repeat offenders in my class; both of whom are in the 3rd and 4th grades, respectively. Right in the middle of a discussion about the Holocaust (light topic, I know), a rather large popping noise was heard. The suspect? My Repeat Offender Number One.

Repeat Offender Number One is a cute little munchkin. He has only the cherubic face that a mother could love and a speech impediment that becomes a Speech and Language specialist's nightmare. He's chubby, delightful, and naive, and everyone at my school wants to scoop him up and take him home.

I, however, know what he's capable of: FARTING.

So I guess you're wondering what happened next. Well, I paused. My class looked at me, and I tried to speak, but couldn't. I had the giggles - a SERIOUS case of the giggles - and I just couldn't control myself any longer. But when I laughed, I suddenly inhaled the stench of 1,000 years.

"Sowwy," Repeat Offender Number One said with a rather sheepish grin on his face.

Keep grinning, kid , I thought to myself. One of these days I'm going to make you smell what you dealt out to the class.

I'm surprised that after the break none of the Repeat Offenders remembered the first rule of Fart Club, which is to raise two fingers in the air - the signal for getting my attention. Two fingers raised in the air means, "Teacher! Look here! I am in danger of letting out noxious gas!"

When I immediately see the fingers, I am to give a slight nod of assent; thereby allowing the Offender to walk outside of the classroom and into the hallway. Once outside, the Offender will share their stench with everyone else but the class. The Offender is to wait approximately ten slow seconds before he or she re-enters the classroom. The counting of the seconds cannot be rushed, either. No, the counting of the seconds must be slow. When the Offender counts ten seconds slowly and then re-enters the room, the noxious gas has enough time to filter into the hallway and not trail into the classroom where all can be poisoned by its fumes.

But my Repeat Offender Number One forgot this most important rule and I, being the victim who was seated closest to him, had to suffer.

Obama should give me a Presidential Medal of Honor for dealing with the noxious farts of kids. Seriously.