You see all these little positions? I currently pay $165 dollars per month at my yoga studio to abuse my body in a room to execute all of these positions (begrudgingly). For 90 minutes. In a room that is heated to a perfect 105 degrees plus 80% humidity. According to Bikram, my body is supposed to enjoy, crave, and savor all 26 positions. Let me just remind you that:
A) Those 26 more positions are 23 positions more than I have ever tried during sex.
B) 26 is fourteen more than the number of kids I teach in my classroom.
C) My ability to execute and hold these 26 positions should be decreased with each year that I get older. I should be able to subtract the number of poses from my age, and then pick the ones that I like best. Being that I'll be 30 soon, this means that I *should* be able to discard four poses.
D) The number 26 cannot be counted on both hands or toes easily (if it were up to me, practice would only have 20 poses).
E) 26 is like 18 more than the number of guys I have spoken to on more than one occasion in my entire life.
F) 26 is the number of guys I have probably lusted after in my entire life.
G) 26 is 8 more than the age I was when I found out that chicken fried steak isn't made from chicken.
H) My body? Does not twist into these 26 positions easily. I mean, there's only so much that a 29 year-old curvaceous woman (I'm in the process of trying to use more positive ways to describe my body rather than referring to my body in the negative) who is clearly under 5'0" tall can do - especially when her limbs won't cooperate.
Which leads me to wonder why I'm bitching about something that I pay good money to do on a regular basis.
Easy. It's because if I complain about 26 things, then I only have 73 more things left to complain about so I can write a rap song about my "99 Problems" like Jay-Z.
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